Here are my favorites. . .LOL
A pastor was having trouble with the chairman of his deacons. He opened the paper one day and noticed that by some freak mistake his obituary was in there. Of course it was a mistake, the preacher was alive and well, but he thought, “People are going to read this and think I’m dead. So I’d better call the chairman of the deacons and tell him so.”
He picked up the phone, called the chairman of the deacons, and said, “Brother chairman, my obituary is in the paper today but I just want you to know that I am OK.” After a long pause the chairman of the deacons responded, “Where are you calling from?”
The pastor of a church was sick one Sunday morning, so a preacher was called for pulpit supply.
As the substitute preacher was greeting the congregation he made the statement, “You know, a substitute preacher is like a piece of cardboard in a broken window. He fills the space, but after all, he’s not the real glass.” He then proceeded with his sermon.After the service, a lady approached him trying to pay him a compliment by saying, “You weren’t a replacement after all. You were a real pane.”
A monk joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. After the first 10 years his superior called him in and asked, “Do you have anything to say?”
The monk replied, “Food bad.”
After another 10 years the monk again had opportunity to voice his thoughts.
He said, “Bed hard.”
Another 10 years went by and again he was called in before his superior. When asked if he had anything to say, he responded, “I quit.” “It doesn’t surprise me a bit. You’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here.”
An elderly American couple went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker explained to the husband that, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150”.
The man thought about it and told him that he would just have his wife shipped home. The undertaker was surprised. He asked the man, “Why would you spend $5,000 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that risk.”
“Mom, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.
“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his mother replied.
After dinner, the mother inquired, “Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?”
The boy shrugged and said, “Oh, nothing… There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
BIBLE101 
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